Stachelicious

Growing a mustache is a sweet, sweet thing that every post-pubescent male with half a serving of testosterone should attempt. It's almost a rite of passage. Here is my attempt:

I don't pretend to be a man's man, but growing a mustache has given me passage into a special man club where stache-ridden men give approving nods and accepting glances to others who don manicured facial growth.

After the Fu Manchu walked out of my life forever, his cousin, The Muskateer arrived:



I'm definitely a fan of facial hair. In fact the father of hair is the Beard. The likes of Chuck Norris, Billy Crystal (towards the end of City Slickers), and Brian Wilson (not the one from the 60's phenom band) don't wear a full face of hair for nothin' - they wear it to Kick A!

I also Kick A. So, may I present, "Dad":


...oh and here was "Son":

Suffixes

Lately I've been going over-board on suffixes and substitute words. Somehow when I don't have anything witty, unique or clever to add to a conversation, a suffix is a good substitute. Running out of intelligent adjectives to describe everyday situations, encounters or surroundings, happens to all of us. When that happens, a good suffix will do just fine. Abbreviations also serve as a good substitute for a small vocabulary quiver. Let me show you what I mean:

"bags"
One of the partners, Newell, at my accounting firm holds you in a steady gaze far beyond the point of normal eye contact upon finishing a sentence, so much so that you have a hard time finishing conversations with him. Just when you think you are wrapping up a quick convo by saying something like, "Ok, sounds good. I'll get right on that", he begins a 4 second absent staring contest and then nods his head in questioning and unsure approval. I am beginning to be entertained by the awkwardness and feel that "Newell-bags" is a good way to describe him.

"hatch"
This one is good for any reference to a hole. "I'm gonna kiss that girl right on her mouth-hatch" or "Opinions are like butt hatches, everyone has one but nobody likes it when you share it them" or "you dill-hatch"

"balls"
Hey Tyler-balls, be a pal and pass me that topical cream

"sac"
-pointing at the roll of clear plastic bags from the end of the produce stand while shopping for nuts next to the supermarket fruit- "excuse me sir, could you pass a nut-sac, these bulk walnuts look delicious".

"zees" and "b"
"Hey bro, will you pick me up some Prepzees-H? My b-hole is killing me", or
"maybe if I put down a little more of this protein shake while I'm in the tanning bed, I'll really part of the b, b & b club".

"P" or "d"
I'm such a fricken P, I don't dare to play a game of heads down nuts up.

Why is that d-bagger always disrespecting?


I need to stop using abbreviations and suffixes. It's too much of a fun habit.

Top 4 Words That Need to Be Eliminated From the English Language

1. Classic
1. The word 'Classic' is supposed to refer to something that never ceases to be funny. This word is used in so many mundane ways that aren't 'classic' that it rubs me wrong to ever hear it uttered.

2. Booya
1. This word should never have been invented. It is used in a self-congratulatory manner to rub in just a little more that someone just said something awesome.  When someone one ups me and then says booya, I actually feel embarrassed for them.  All sense of superiority they may have rightfully been entitled to at that moment is immediately deemed null and void.  It was a 'cool' thing to say for a short period of time in the late 80's and has been hanging around like a stale fart ever since.  Every so often I hear a person say that they are trying to bring it back.  Maybe they should try to bring back pegged pants and Urkle catch phrases while they're at it.

3. Not
1. When Wayne's World first surfaced in the early 90's on Saturday Night Live and uttered this and other phrases, it was funny.  Kids all over the country strategically slipped Wayne's World lingo into their everyday vernacular to demonstrate that they were one of the cool kids.  Then Wayne's World the movie came out.  Almost overnight,  parents, 5 year olds, and even Disney sequels (the ones that went straight to video) were using this lingo in an attempt to be 'hip' and connect with the younger generation.  As a result, these phrases were ruined forever.  'Not' (used after a witty and sarcastic statement) was one of the worst casualties, and while for the most part it has now died off I sometimes still hear this atrocity being vomited from someone's mouth.

4. Touche
1. I hate that I have to include this word, since I love to use it.  The problem is that too many people use this term incorrectly.  When someone has a killer retort and you can't think of a great comeback, 'touche' is the perfect way to gracefully concede the point.  Merely saying something funny or saying something that people agree with does not merit a 'touche' response.  A mass reeducation on this word needs to take place so I can continue to use it.

Top 4 Reasons to Take a Girl to Live Theater

1. Daddy Warbucks
1. a)You have cash + b)you are willing to spend cash on her = c)she sees a future of buying shoes on your dime.  This doesn't mean it has to be true, but the thought of this will attract her.  

2. Dress Up
2. You have a chance to show off your new cute shoes and cute pants.  She gets to dress up a little bit as well.

3. Hall Pass
3. Nudity at a movie is pornography.  Nudity at the theater is art.

4. Culture and Refinement
4. You get points for culture and refinement even when you don't know what those words mean.

The Top 3 Tweets About the "Everything Bagel"

1– This "everything bagel" is great. Has onions, poppy seeds, garlic, cheese, q-tips, Greenland, fear, sandals, wolves, teapots, crunking...
-- @johnmoe

2– Come on, Everything Bagels, who you tryin' to fool? You got like 6 seasonings on there. That's a lot, but it ain't everything.
-- @patrickmarkryan

3– Last time I had an everything bagel I got poppy seeds, Mira Sorvino, and Hegel's Phenomenology of Spirit all over my shirt.
-- @dwineman

The Top 3 Slashies (actor/musician, not the other way around)

1. Meatloaf
• His name is Robert Paulson. As the moosey, lovable oaf in Fight Club, Meatloaf's b-tits weren't the only thing that grabbed your attention — his emotional range was equally as, uh, perky.



2. Scarlet Johanson
• Sure she can hit the high notes. Sure she can probably shake her hips and make every red-blooded American boy wish he was a microphone. But can you name any of her songs? Nope. What about her movies? Bingo. Ryan Reynolds must have a pretty GOOD reason for splitting up with her.



3. Ricky Gervais
• Brilliant, funny, witty, worth paying attention to. Way better at writing humor than singing New Wave music. Though cruising through all of his New Wave musical ventures on YouTube IS pretty humorous.

The Top 5 Mustaches (The Beard's Upstairs Neighbor)

1. Sam Elliott
• Perfection. The shape, the size, the girth, and the bushiness. The standard by which all others are judged. It also most likely affects (improves) his gravelly slur.

2. Ming the Merciless
• Technically, this mustache sort of morphs into a goatee or weird space vandyke, but it's still pretty sweet. Long and thin, perfect for stroking while considering the fate of captives.

3. Captain Kangaroo
• While this dude's eyebrows almost always draw your attention away from anything else, he's got a decent 'stash to look at. Not too big, not too small. Just the right amount of bristle-icality. Interesting side note: His 'do would go unnoticed in Planet of the Apes or on the Moon of Endor.

4. Tom Selleck
• A perennial top-ten finisher, this hairy upper lip is a mainstay. Well-balanced, well-colored, and according to Google, well-received in Playgirl magazine. Selleck's best feature has been in Westerns and poorly written comedies about men and babies.

5. Terry "Hulk" Hogan
• Who doesn't love a bleached handlebar mustache? This pup helped pin a giant and was also there when Hulk broke down after finding out his wife was sleeping with the pool boy. Talk about a best friend.